


i need your love (before i fall)

by trippydooda



Category: L.A. Noire
Genre: M/M, Not the happiest Stefan/Cole fic, angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-13
Updated: 2018-11-13
Packaged: 2019-08-23 00:41:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16608563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trippydooda/pseuds/trippydooda





	i need your love (before i fall)

When Stefan Bekowsky noticed, he tried not to, simply put. He went out of his way to go the red light district, to find all the nude magazines he could. He desperately tried to hold onto what he always was told was the normal way to feel, the normal way to act. Only he knew he wasn’t acting normal. He started to avoid work, starting to avoid L.A. as a whole to a point. He spent too little time in his office and too much time in the hallways, tried to talk to anyone he could to distract him from the thoughts flooding his mind.

Stefan was, in no way, in love with his assigned detective partner. 

He even uses that much a specific way to describe him. He kept tripping over “partner” and was finally sick of stuttering and having to let his partner finish. When he’s alone he thinks he’s an idiot, that this isn’t some fairy tale where this could happen, and even worse can’t explain how it happened. Stefan really doesn’t know how he fell in love with Cole Phelps.

“I feel like it might be in some junkyard,” Cole says into his notebook one afternoon. Stefan was hyper focused on a bag caught in the chaos of the L.A. roadways. Cole mumbles something else, but Stefan’s eyes just keep wandering. He does, however, catch an exasperated sigh, “Are you even listening?”

He’s caught, and now he has to look at Cole. Stefan sighs. “No,” he admits when he turns, “Not even a little bit. Come again?” He leans down, thinks too far, but offers what he’s trying to make his normal grin.

Cole slaps his notebook shut and backs away from the wall they were leaning on. “The suspect vehicle must be in some junkyard, whoever struck that man knew they did it and probably tried to get rid of it as soon as possible.”

Stefan crinkles his nose. “Why not just burn it? Seems a hell of a lot easier.”

“No one ever said criminals were smart, Bekowsky,” Cole replies and makes his way to their car. 

— — — — — — — — — 

Most of the time Stefan is too caught up in whatever case they’re on to notice how he lurches too far to grab Cole when he’s in danger, or that he lingers in his space too long when they have to hide. He’s mostly got it down, he thinks, until he comes across a case with Cole he wishes he didn’t have to see.

He’s not even sure why he and Cole were called, this was clearly a homicide. He supposes it’s because there was technically a car involved, and that car is probably not the owner’s. Still, the dead and mangled body before him serves as some macabre warring, or perhaps foreshadowing, to tell Stefan to stand his ground and hope Cole gets promoted soon.

“The man was suspected of engaging in homosexual activities,” one of the patrolman explains, “He got was coming to him, really.” Stefan wants to puke.

“Hardly,” Cole scoffs, “Sexuality or not, no person deserves to mangled in the way this man has.” He looks to the patrolman with narrowed brows, “Now go get a blanket to cover him before homicide arrives.”

Stefan wants to thank Cole, but is paranoid enough he thinks it would cause suspicion. “Not a lot of people would agree with you there, Phelps,” he says instead, trying to make the statement as casual as possible.

Cole shrugs. “People have disagreed with me in the past, life goes on.”

It sure does, Stefan thinks as he watches Cole work.

— — — — — — — — — 

For some illogical reason Stefan decides to keep a list of reasons why he loves Cole. It’s probably because he’s drank too much, but being depressed and alone has made him try to count what matters. He starts the list with Cole’s remarks about the murdered gay man, and puts down “compassion” in terrible handwriting on a crumpled piece of paper. It sticks it on his fridge and admires it for some odd reason, like this was some secret between his non responsive fridge and himself.

The list grows faster now that Stefan is keeping his mind attuned to such epiphanies. “Smart” makes it there the next day, as does “delicate” and “precise”. Over the weeks Stefan starts running out of room and has to flip the paper over, and when it’s finally full he plucks it back on his fridge and stares at it, like Cole himself will pop out and read it and agree. 

Only of course it doesn’t happen, and Stefan doesn’t know why he’s so frustrated about it. He goes out to buy another bottle of scotch out of anger, and on his way back he passes a rather attractive prostitute. She saunters over to him and says she’ll fuck him for free, and Stefan thinks this must be some way of the universe trying to straighten him out. He rapidly agrees.

At his apartment she wastes no time wrapping herself around him and kissing at his neck, cheek, and finally at his mouth. She has passion, and Stefan wraps his hands around her waist, slowly moving them down to grab at her thighs. The sound she makes should make Stefan irrevocably hard, but it does little more than when he accidentally brushes it bare on his couch. 

The two are pressed together as they stumble to his bed, where she whips off her shirt and guides Stefan’s hands to her breasts. Stefan is reluctant, but tells himself to try, that maybe all this mess about Cole is just because he hasn’t gotten laid in a while. He rubs a thumb over her hardening nipple and leans down to suck on it, slowly gripping and ungripping the other. She gasps and moves underneath him, pawing at his pant line and tugging. 

Stefan is at least somewhat hard now, and lifts himself up to let her unzip him. She follows his gaze as he watches her stroke his cock and suck down, and woman or not Stefan can’t help but admit it feels good. He absolutely does not imagine Cole doing it instead. He grabs her hair as she goes faster, starts to lean into it, but forces his eyes to open whenever Cole enters his mind.

Right as he’s about to come she lifts herself off and peels off the lame excuse for pants she had on. She scoots back onto Stefan’s bed, rolls over and arches her back to present herself to Stefan. He hates that he hesitates, hates that he wants to tell her he can’t because he’s in love with someone else. It’s more-so the guilt of having to lie or admit that he is in love with a man that he decides to enter her. 

When he comes on her face, he tries his best to forget Cole.

— — — — — — — — — 

He drinks harder the following days, shredding the list he made into pieces and setting them aflame. The station starts to notice how he stumbles into work and probably isn’t drinking coffee from the flask he brings with him. If Cole notices, he doesn’t say much and Stefan ignores the way Cole looks at him from time to time. It’s a subtle way of asking if he’s okay, and no he is fucking not but Cole was going to be the last person to know why.

Or so he thinks.

Cole has barred Stefan from driving after he nearly got into an accident, and it’s one evening where Stefan has been drinking even more than before, and he can barely keep his head up. His vision fades in and out constantly and every noise is like a bomb going off right next to his ear. When the car stops and he assumes they’re at wherever they need to be—Stefan doesn’t even remember what case they’re on—Stefan opens the door to stand, but just falls onto the sidewalk. He groans, ignoring Cole’s cursing, and is able to prop himself up to lean against the car.

Cole rounds the corner and is glaring at Stefan. He looks him up and down, breathing rather harshly. Stefan smirks.

“L-like what you see, eh?” He mumbles out.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Cole snaps, batting away the hand Stefan had been extending out. “You’re putting yourself into a position you will regret. Christ, Stefan, they were talking about firing you!”

Stefan tugs at his tie and groans, “Or they could just fire you. You’re the reason I’m… L-like this, after all.” He fumbles in his jacket pocket to get his flask and is in the middle of unscrewing it before Cole snatches it away.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” He snarls. “I’m suddenly responsible for you throwing your life away?”

Stefan hiccups. “Yes!” He points at Cole, “Exactly!”

“You’re making no sense, Stefan,” Cole says, putting the flask in his own pocket. 

The use of his first name breaks him. Fuck the list, fuck the prostitute, fuck the prospect of him getting blown to smithereens. Stefan stumbles forward, intending it to be smooth, but falls anyhow. Cole grabs him anyway, even though Stefan knows he is beyond pissed and when he’s standing again he finally lets himself look at Cole.

The brilliant blue is staring down at him, a soft hand has his shoulder, and even behind the anger Stefan stills sees concern. Even in the dulling light Stefan can see the perfects ebbs in Cole’s skin where he’s furrowed his brows too much, the small scar underneath his mouth that Stefan goes to drag his thumb across. Cole jumps back, says something Stefan is pretty sure along the lines of “fuck off” but perhaps it’s curiosity that keeps Cole still.

“You want me to make sense?” Stefan whispers, crowding Cole’s space even more. He’s unable to stand very well, and drags Cole by the lapels of his suit jacket so Stefan’s back is against the car again. Cole is mumbling something about how Stefan needs to go to the hospital, that there must be something seriously wrong with him but Stefan is beyond the point of giving a shit about anything besides the warmth of Cole under his fingertips. 

He knows it’s probably sloppy, that it probably doesn’t land where he wants it to, but Stefan kisses Cole all the same. He forces his mouth too hard against Cole’s, presses in and wills their lips to part as he grabs the back of Cole’s neck. This will probably the only time he ever kisses Cole, and he wants to make it count. He’s able to keep Cole still while he just exists in some separate timeline where Cole and him are the only two who exist.

He barely registers Cole finally breaking away, doesn’t even realise he’s falling over until he blacks out.

— — — — — — — — — 

When Stefan wakes up, it’s in a hospital bed. He can barely remember a thing, but when he turns his head he sees Cole standing there, just staring down at him. It startles Stefan to an upright position, but Cole lightly pushes him back down. Stefan can’t read his face, can’t read his body language, all he knows is that his fucking head hurts.

“Welcome back,” Cole says somewhat softly. “Before you ask, you fell and hit your head hard enough I couldn’t wake you up. So I called an ambulance.” 

“Explains why my head fucking hurts,” Stefan says, letting himself relax back onto the pillow.

“You scared me,” Cole says, “In more ways than one.” Cole doesn’t move from where he’s standing, just grips the side of the bed. “How much do you remember?” He asks cautiously.

Oh right.

Stefan had forgotten he molested Cole. That he actually finally did it, in the middle of the street no less. He wants to lie, wants to say remembers nothing, chalk it up to being too drunk, the whole thing. But he doesn’t. He can’t, not to Cole.

“Enough,” Stefan admits quietly. The statement hangs there, lingers in the heavy air. Cole’s grip loosens on the bed.

“How long?” He asks.

Stefan sighs. “I don’t know, a while? Is this really what I have to wake up to?” He tries to laugh it off, but apparently something like this won’t work.

“So then you…?”

There is apparently no way he is getting out of this, any of this. The cat is out of the bag, and Stefan has lost both the bag and the cat. He breathes in through nose harshly.

“Yes, I love you.”

The nurse walks in right after, leaving Cole speechless and just staring at Stefan like he’s some case he can’t solve. It feels wrong, raw, and Stefan does his best to focus on what the nurse is saying instead. She says he’ll have to be here for at least three days while they monitor his condition and then it’s based on how Stefan feels after that. Stefan tries to joke and say he’s fine, but the nurse glares and speaks right past him to Cole, of whom she commands keep an eye on Stefan. 

When she leaves Stefan has no choice but to face Cole now. The detective has dragged a chair and is now sitting by Stefan, just staring at his hands. He allows the silence to drag on, anything to impede the inevitable meltdown. He closes his eyes to brace for it but it never comes, and he’s starting to drift off to sleep before Cole speaks again.

“I think you deserve to know I didn’t hate it, nor do I hate you now,” Cole finally says. “But you have to understand the kind of implications this has on me. On you, even, our jobs.” Stefan swallows hard before looking Cole in the eye. He looks so tired, so confused and Stefan feels like shit for putting this on him.

“It’s okay, you don’t need to explain yourself,” Stefan manages to say. “Go home, you need it.”

Cole nods and stands, smoothing out his pants. He silently gets his coat and fedora, but pauses in front of Stefan before he leaves. The two exchange a gaze Stefan can’t pinpoint the emotion to, but knows it’s not a happy one. Cole sighs once more before setting his hat aside to lean down. Stefan doesn’t know what’s coming and so he squeezes his eyes shut, but all Cole does it place a soft kiss to his forehead. 

“Get better, Stefan,” Cole says, and just like walks away.

— — — — — — — — — 

Cole never comes back while Stefan recovers, and Stefan is already practicing turning his badge in when he walks out of the hospital. Behind the gleaming sun, though, Stefan spots a familiar car sitting on the side of the road. He trots down the stairs and swiftly makes it over, spotting Cole standing, smiling at him for the first time in weeks.

“All better?” Cole asks when Stefan gets into earshot.

Stefan adjusts his tie. “All better,” he most definitely lies.


End file.
